What is it, seven and half months now? That is (does the math) 233 Somedays in a row and I am tired. I have run out of coping energy yet I know I have another year(?) of coping to do. And then what? Some new way of life that isn’t like life in The Before. It might be close but some things have changed forever I’m sure. In the same way that things changed post 9/11. Now, we take for granted security lines and 3 oz bottles or smaller, a perpetual war in Afghanistan and other major shifts that mark the last new normal.

Ena continues to have angina attacks. She will go a week or two and we will think, “Yay! We finally have a handle on this!” Then she will have a cluster of attacks. She had 5 last Friday morning and we had to run to Urgent Care to have her checked. Everything came back normal but it is still scary and it is still disheartening. We were both melancholy over the weekend. We both realize now that she isn’t getting better. She won’t be cured but we will learn to manage the disease. That this is the new normal for her and for us. A new security line that we must draw for ourselves.

What else of *gestures broadly at everything* is going to be part of the new normal? Every time I think we must have hit bottom and we will start to climb out of this trough of despair it seems some new thing gets added to list. RBG – you did well to hang on as long as you did.

I’m guessing it will be a long time before I go back into the office. I will probably telework for much of the rest of my career. That seems rather strange. How long untill we are comfortable riding a bus to go downtown? Which of our arts venues will survive? What of our favorite restaurants?

I worry about the deep rifts in our society and the embracing of hate-filled ideologies. Hate is such an easy emotion as is fear. I’m sure that everyone reading this can work up anger and hate in a few minutes if they focus on the right things. Or they can fill themselves with fear and dread. How long till we wring that base response out of the fabric of our nation? How long until we relearn compassion, trust, helping others?

“… I dwell in a house of a thousands dreams. What happens in this house matters to me. We’ve not been made perfect by God. But here I try to speak in the voice of my better angels. We have been given the tools and the property of the soul to be attended and accountable for. And that takes work. Work that we might be build on the principles of love, liberty, fraternity – ancient ideas that still form the basis for a good life and a humane society. What happens in this house matters. So brothers and sisters, wherever you are, let’s light up this house.”

Bruce Springsteen, A Letter To You

P.s. If you haven’t watched Bruce Springsteen’s A Letter To You, it is lovely. It is hard to believe he is 71 years old.

Ena and I watched a show called Map Man with Nicholas Crane some years ago. Nicholas would take historical maps of the UK and try to follow them in modern times. In one show, Nicholas was in a high, exposed area that was low rolling hills and bogs.

The area is used a military training ground and Nicholas was talking with the commander of the training grounds about the area he was about to cross. The land is high and exposed. The weather can change quickly. There are few notable landmarks to navigate by, and it is boggy. Overall, it is a very dangerous and difficult landscape.

Nicholas asked if the commander had any last words of advice. The commander answered, “If your first step is up to your ankle, and the next is up to your knee, your third step should be backwards.”*

This is one of my favorite phrases that I gained from watching the BBC and it is so applicable in many different places of life. Like COVID-19. Which seems to be exploding this Summer here in the USA. COVID-19 not going into a summer hiatus as many hoped. And yet, SOME Governors and leaders seem to want to keep plowing along even though we are well above our knees in COVID-19.

It is a dangerous and difficult landscape to navigate. But seriously, if you are above your knees, it is time to rethink your actions and to back up before we all drown.

* If anyone out there knows which episode, training area, etc. please let me know. I would love to put the details in but my 15 minutes of googling about didn’t find the answers.

Ena I went out for walk/run yesterday. I run, she walks. We went over to the Burke-Gilman trail that runs along Lake Washington. I ran 5 miles and she walked 3 (I would guess). She went north towards Bothell. I went south towards Magnussen Park. We met back up along the trail near the car.

On the drive home I thought, “this is the kind of night where I would say, ‘Let’s go to Ray’s Boathouse tonight'”. Ena would have said, ‘That sounds marvelous'”. But I didn’t say that because we are still staying very safe. Instead, we came home and made dinner for the umpteenth time. We talked about how this is the kind of night when we would have gone out. We talked about how we weren’t going out then though.

The 41 Bus was ahead of us. This is the bus that we would walk to for a quick hop downtown on the weekend or durning the day on a weekday vacation. It is a great bus. It goes south of us about a mile and half then it gets on I5 and heads straight downtown. But we aren’t riding busses or going downtown.

There are more jets overhead now. It was eerily quiet in March and April without jets or seaplanes. But now, we hear a few seaplanes and hear more jets. We were planning on a long weekend by seaplane up to Victoria, BC. However, that trip is out, as is travel by plane for probably 9 more months.

All those things that we did spontaneously – “Let’s go out tonight!”, “Let’s go downtown today”, “Let’s go to San Francisco” – are now outside our stay-safe options. Instead, meals are planned out well in advance to minimize shopping trips. Where we walk and run is limited to the places where we know we can easily social-distance during our outings. We do, occasionally get take-out from a restaurant, but that is rare.

Everything is planned and controlled to reduce our chances of catching COVID-19. There really is very little that is spontaneous in our lives anymore. I really miss the spontaneous outings, the people watching, and the travel. I have grown tired of the small safe circle we have drawn in order to stay safe. I truly do not want to catch COVID-19 and I really don’t want Ena to catch it. So, we stay inside our safe routine.

Someday, we will be spontaneous again, I hope.

I find myself thinking, “a year from now this will be over”. I have been thinking this since March when I first started working from home. This made me wonder, “is it now 9 months from now, or, is it a year from now because nothing has really changed?” “When do I actually start the clock for counting down back to normalcy?” “Do I wait until there is a vaccine and until then just keep incrementing the year-from-now clock?” We will return to the new normal (N_n) in T+365days where T=Today.

Figure 1: N_n = T + 365days

“How long until T gets defined”, I wonder.

Then this comes across the internet: https://www.visualcapitalist.com/life-return-to-normal-covid-19/

I see that the answer is “it depends on which part of normal you are talking about”. Is that a bit clarifying? I guess so but I don’t think I can go around thinking, “I will attend a sporting event, concert, or play in maybe more than a year from now. I will travel by airplane maybe a year from now… etc.”

I think I’ll go back to “a year from now” and my original formal (see Figure 1) or maybe “maybe a year or more from now” (see Figure 2).

Figure 2: N_n ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ T + 365days

mel·​an·​choly | \ ˈme-lən-ˌkä-lē  \plural melancholies. 1a: depression of spirits

 Yesterday was another dark day. A let down from the happy days with Ena going 13 days without angina and thinking we had a handle on her cardiac issues. Instead, she had an attack Saturday night at bedtime, Sunday (milder) at bedtime, and yesterday on a walk (mild) and again at bedtime (once again mild). A far cry from none.

I was suddenly hit with the thought that seven was a good year. I was in second grade. I had a Peanuts lunch box that I loved though I broke the lining to thermos many many times. About this time I grabbed a great big sheet of butcher’s paper and I drew all the Peanuts characters on it. Dad said, “You traced them!” ‘No. I didn’t! I drew them!”, I said. I stuck Googly Eyes on Charley Brown.

One of my favorite books was “Little Black Puppy and Other Animal Stories“*. In it are pieces by Richard Scary including making a mask out of a paper bag. I would do that sometimes. I colored a lot and did watercolors.

I then thought that seventeen was a good year too. Playing in Band, Orchestra, Pep Band and Jazz band and Skyline High School. Going to football games, basketball championships and traveling for band trips. Playing endless D&D with Brian Durney (my best friend since I was 4 or 5 years old), John Millsaps, Chris Crocker, Craig Kurumada and others. Dating and dances. Watching the Marx Brothers on the Late Night Movie with Brian, Craig and James Hansen.

And all the years in between were good too. All those years of childhood when adult problems (like the race riots, inflation, the Vietnam War) were all removed well beyond the childhood Somebody Else’s Problem Field.

Yesterday was filled with nostalgia for the past and simpler times.

It doesn’t help that we are having Junuary weather here in Seattle. Gray and rain and temps in the 50s. When the Sun comes out, I try to go out get some exercise. That helps. It also helps that the yard is coming in and the meadow is in full bloom. (Don’t let me over sell you on the meadow – it really is just a grassy area where grass didn’t grow so well so we said, “Skip it, let’s grow flowers and grass that we only mow once a month or so”. But it is peaceful and lovely).

It is hard to not get lost in those idyllic memories of times long gone. It is hard to not have my mind filled with contrast between the darkness of now and the lightness of then. One day at a time.

*funny story about the Little Black Puppy. I looked for years to find a copy (before the internet) in used bookstores and second hand shops. I remember the book being yellow, about 12″ high and about 1″ thick – maybe a bit thicker and taller even. Then the internet arrives and online shopping and I find it online! Oh Joy! I order a copy and I wait for it to arrive! It finally comes! Tear open the package – and boy am I surprised! The book is about 8″ tall and a quarter inch thick. “Huh!” I thought. Then I realized that when I was about 3 feet tall, the book would have seemed about the size that I was imagining it. It would have seemed tall and thick in my small little hands. After I opened the package, I piled into Ena’s lap and had her read The Little Black Puppy to me.

I mean, there are lots of events going on. Don’t get me wrong. We now have the Capital Hill Autonomous Zone (CHAZ) where protesters have taken over the East Seattle PD Precinct office so Capital Hill is now a police free zone. They, the protesters, are watching movies on the sides of buildings at night.

Uneventful for Ena is what I’m talking about. It has been 10 days since our trip to Urgent Care for her last cardiac discomfort. She has new drugs and she hasn’t had another event. We have started walking together again and she is going farther and faster every time. She is also recovering from being on crutches for 10 weeks. So, 2 mile rather sparky walks are a good sign.

It is nice to have my refurbished wife back up and running again. I call her Borg Ena because they gave her a 24 hour EKG to wear for 2 weeks. She has these blinking lights and wires and pads and she now takes batteries. There is a mobile app too!

COVID-19 is quieting down a bit here in Seattle so we are at Stage 1.5 which is kind of funny because I didn’t know that Stages came with interim releases. Stage 1.5 means that restaurants can open as can salons among other things. Next week, Stage 1.5.1 which means you can sit at your favorite table at a restaurant as long as no one is within 12 feet and you order off the bar menu.

Uneventful except for endless Zoom meetings. I was on the Itana New2EA call when Yolanda joined late. “Sorry. Back-to-back Zoom meetings”, she said. “There months ago, who would have thought we would spend all day at home in back-to-back Zoom meetings! If I had known, I would have bought a lot more athleisure wear!” She is a hoot.

Uneventful except for the budget fallout from all of this whatever that means to the University. We have been told to plan for a 15% budget cut from the state. The state contribution to the budget is only a portion of UW’s income. But, other parts like the UW Medicine and athletics are losing money too. We will see what that means.

But, front of mind is the fact that Ena has been event free. So, I’ll take uneventful at this point in time. Uneventful is fine.

Ps. Ena reads (and is an editor) of these post before they go out. I look for at least one good laugh from her from each post.