Circles and circles

I don’t know… is it aging? Is it an anti-anxiety drug side effect? I find myself starting something… say… going out back to weed and I think, “Oh. I want to take that pile of stuff up to the shed” so I change and start towards the pile of stuff. Then I think, “Oh. That’s right! I want to put the hooks up in the shed” so I start towards the basement to get my cordless drill et al. This turns into a series of dawnings of additions to the original task that leave me turning in a circle like a dog lying down or wandering 3 steps in one direction to turn and go four in another then two in yet another or I dash around the kitchen – dining room – living room – kitchen loop a couple of times.

This happens more than I would like. It starts to make me feel flaky or old or both. It definitely exhausts me mentally and emotionally which I really don’t need much help with.

Tintern Abby view through destroyed roof to blue sky and puffy clouds.

Today was a dark day. The bottom kind of fell out. I think that getting some answers for Ena and drugs that seem to be working means that I could finally let my guard down a little bit. And all the things that have been at arms length since the beginning of March came rushing in. And, the anti-depression / anti-anxiety drug side effects are catching up with me. These take the form of a ½ a migraine-like headache, upset stomach, body aches, and general malaise (for lack of more fancy word).

The side effects and the circles just made me very down. Not to mention: race riots, COVID-19 pandemic, impending financial crash the likes of which we haven’t seen since the 20s, the implosion of higher education budgets around the world, layoffs of people who I really like and really care about, giant killer wasps, monkeys stealing COVID samples and breaking out of labs, and everything that has turned 2020 into a melodramatic soap opera of epic proportions. I mean, if someone wrote this story and sold it to Hollywood, it would be in the same category as Sharknado. We have moved out of reality and into a nonsensical farce.

Except that it is so terribly, terribly sad. So many people suffering and dying and facing financial ruin. So much turmoil and uncertainty. The horrible national leadership on so many levels…

So today has been very, very dark for me. Breathe.

[The photo is from Tintern Abbey in Wales. The abbey fell into ruins after the Dissolution of the Monasteries in the 16th century. We went there with Ceri and Ruth when we were in the UK last September. What wonderful memories to draw on during these times though September seems like it was at least a decade ago in another life. – editor]